Tuesday 5 July 2016

Happy 10000th day

A good friend of mine enlightened me about this particular day a couple of weeks ago and I thought it'd be a good chance for me to reflect on certain things in my life up until this point in my life. It's after all, my 10,000th day alive, surely, that's something worth writing about?

The past 8 months have been a whirlwind of ride and more chaotic than I can remember. I've never felt more drained from work before. It's almost a 10-12 hours work day every day without the overtime pay, and on bad days, I can be on a 14 hours shift. My work requires me to interact with people, which I still enjoy doing, but it seems that the longer I stay in my line of work, the less interaction I want with other humans in my personal time. I don't look forward to meetups or conversations with friends after work because all I want to do is crash in bed or play with my dog.

A few hundred, maybe even a thousand days ago, I would have been more confrontational in nature, but these days, if something or someone doesn't make me feel good, I simply retreat away. I'd rather ignore or walk away from situations than try to make things right, simply because there's only so much I can do, so much time I have. In fact, the me a few hundred days ago would have thought that the me today would have gotten my shit together by now. Well, apparently not. I still haven't got a clue what the meaning of life is nor what the purpose of my life is.

I've also come to realise that some things just don't change. A few thousand days ago, I hated being controlled or micro-managed. Today, I still hate it, and in fact, I hate it even more, especially in my personal life. If I feel even the least bit suffocated, I'd back away. Sure, I enjoy writing my thoughts down in the public space, but I only share what I want to share. If it's something I don't feel like sharing, then asking me about it will just make me feel more uncomfortable. The older I get, the more private I want my personal life to be. That includes not sharing about my life with my closest friends. I came to realise this about myself when one of my closest friend said,"What do you mean you were dating someone?!"

Well, 10000th days old me hopes that the 10xxxth days old me would get some of her shit together. One can only hope!

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